I Love Trees, But I Despise Tree-Huggers - By Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson contributes to
and edits The Skewed Review

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Renewable energy is great, SUVs are Satan's dildo, pollution makes Native American cry, blah, blah, blah.

Don't get me wrong--I'm for wind and solar power and cleaning up the environment as any other earth-friendly person. I do what I can, within my mortal capabilities, to ensure that our planet doesn't become as disgusting as the seat next to me in my geography class.

Yes, that appears to be uterine
lining. And yes, I'm pretty sure those
are smudge marks left by
some sort of string...

I really, honestly, hand-on-the-Bible-of-Pastafarianism, do what I can to be environmentally conscious. However, the thing I can't stand about environmentalism is the environmentalist.

I'm not make some sweeping generalization when I say that all self-proclaimed environmentalists are smug, better-than-thou, "I'm perfect and you're not," little dipshits. They behave as if everything they do is akin to giving Mother Nature a foot rub and a $10,000 gift card to Neman Marcus. They act like their very existence generates oxygen, and their daily bowel movements decrease their carbon footprints by 136 percent.

And what's worse is they constantly tell me and the rest of the world that we are the problem.

I'm always hearing how pollution is my fault, like I own every car in the world and just spend my days driving each one with the sole purpose of destroying the atmosphere. I'm blamed for river pollution, as if I have some personal vendetta against salmon. Well, anything that jumps up stream deserves to rot in hell.

Fingers are always pointed at me for the decrease in Lake Mead's water, as if I drive there every day and syphon 10,000 gallons of the stuff into my own private watershed.

That's right. Pollution since the Industrial Age is being blamed on anyone who isn't "green." In this day and age, when almost everyone is environmentally conscious, I'm just having a hard time understanding why I, who am only 31 years old, am always being blamed for air pollution that's been amassing since the '50s in Denver--a city I've only been to once in my life.

And what's worse is the tree-huggers behave as though it's my intention to destroy Earth. I'm always treated like I'm some Captain Planet villain who has no other agenda than to rip open holes in the ozone layer.

So you love the outdoors? You're environmentally friendly? You've "gone green?" Fine. Stop telling me about it, and even more importantly, stop blaming me for shit that's not my fault.

Now more than ever I've seen a nation-wide initiative to be environmentally aware. We are always cleaning things up, preserving even the stupidest of creatures from being extinct, and mandating the world buy energy efficient lightbulbs. We are progressing. Stop looking for a fight. Why can't you just embrace the fact that the world is just as environmentally aware as you are?

Well, except China and India.

But what are we going to do? Nuke them? Just let Japan keep up whatever it is they're doing, and maybe that portion of the world will just end up nuking itself.

In the meantime, please stop telling me I'm the problem. I had absolutely nothing to do with global warming. I don't wake up every morning and say to myself, "Gee, what can I do to destroy the environment today?"

I just live my life as environmentally conscious as I can without having to turn into some sort of caveman. So get off my back, please.

Thanks.