Friday, July 20, 2012

Homosexuality: Part of God's Plan? - By Matty Jacobson


Matty Jacobson would make a horrible politician. He
owns, edits and contributes to The Skewed Review.
THE SKEWED REVIEW | NEWS & POLITICS | HEALTH & WELLNESSACTIVISM | RELIGION

OK kiddies, I'm out of the loop on something, so I need your help. Please tell me the exact age you stop learning.

I can think of several periods over one's life when lucubrating new things is basically refused, and of course there are always people out there who give off the air of utter incapability when it comes to matriculation.

But, I've sort of been stumbling because essentially none of us ever stop actually acquiring information. Even my 93-year-old grandpa watches the news every day. Even if there's a possibility that what he sees isn't fully retained, the fact is, he's still learning something.

You could isolate yourself from everything. You could put yourself in an empty room for a week and you'd still learn little things without even realizing it. Your brain would become familiar with the room's dimensions. Your body would find the most comfortable place to sit out your solitude. Your mind would begin stringing together memories and scenarios that have never happened in order to suppress any boredom.

So yes, even if we think we're not learning, we are. Like right now, I just learned that Tide To Go pens don't take wood stain off white DC Shoes. It's a sonofabitch to be sure, and it's definitely no world-altering epiphany. But I learned it nonetheless.

"Matty," you're most likely saying to your computer right now, "Why do you always take five paragraphs to get to your point?"

First and foremost, I have to satisfy my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder of having all my written works have some aspect that's divisible by five. But really, I want to get you thinking about the daily, hourly, minutely (wow--"minutely" is a real word? Nice.), secondly and microsecondly ways in which our brains are evolving. You can't refute the evidence in your own personal life that your brain evolves through learning.

And, since this is the Internet, there's no doubt that some Bible-thumping fundamentalist out there would say, "I dudn't learned nothin' this book dudn't uhlreddy teach me!"And to that person I say: "I assume it was read to you. But you did just admit your brain evolved through that teaching method."

So, that really brings me to my point--which is in the next paragraph.

Evolution (this paragraph makes 10--I can now continue comfortably knowing my OCD is fulfilled). Well, evolution and overpopulation. Well, evolution, overpopulation, and what nature (or God) might be attempting to do about it.

There are many theories out there about how nature fights back when we all get horny. One of my favorite bedtime stories is that God created HIV/AIDS to rid the world of all the gay people. This makes so much sense considering that it's only gay people who contract the virus, and once a gay person is dead, there are no more gay people born to take his or her place. Right?

Take a look at these statistics courtesy of Avert.org that totally prove the HIV/AIDS epidemic is only a gay thing.


So, as you can see, the greatest number of infected people in the United States are Black/African-American women, followed second by homosexual males. I guess God hates fags AND black ladies.

But, despite the global crisis that is killing countless people, it still hasn't stopped us all from procreating our horny little hearts out.

So here's where I'm going to get controversial. And who knows, this could be from my Mormon upbringing (which teaches that humans can become Gods through learning). But has anyone ever stopped to consider that perhaps God learns, too? Well, if you're in the school of thought that God created HIV/AIDS to kill homos, then obviously you think God learns. A God with infinite wisdom who never wanted gay people on this earth wouldn't have created them to begin with. Savvy?

But, pretending a loving God actually hates fags, let's just say he saw a bunch of queers running around and said to himself: "Hey! That's not cool! What's with all this love and general happiness? Stop it!" So he decides to take a course of action and destroy them all with a plague. God just evolved, see? He's correcting a mistake he made. That's called learning.

But, if you want a better example of God correcting mistakes, let's take a look at pre-Noah's Ark times. God literally was like, "Dang. That's some nonsense down there. I've gotta start over." Or, you can look at Sodom and Gomorra. God was like, "Shoot! Did it again! OK. Who needs salt?" And if one tries to pass off the old "free will" argument, then, arguably, God wouldn't punish people in this lifetime.

But back to evolution. Suspend any disbelief you have that God could perhaps be not perfect. Pretend for just a moment that he actually had to learn what he knows from somewhere or something. Do you think he planned to create a world where the very thing that gives us life (sex, just in case you were wondering) would destroy us?

According to Overpopulation.org, one-third of the earth's population is a result of unplanned/unwanted pregnancies. Holy crap! The site also describes how humans' need to constantly screw will basically doom us not only by decreasing our earth's resources through consumption, but by also increasing chances of war and carbon dioxide/monoxide levels, as well as pollution on land and at sea.

Right now the earth's population stands at more than 7 billion people. That's a lot of blogs. Hurry, while you're thinking of it, tell all your friends that The Skewed Review is the bestest most awesomest opinion site in the world. I just suddenly realized how big the competition is.

I often hear Christian fundamentalists argue that homosexuality is an abomination and against God's plan. Well, according to them, God's plan must for all of us to multiply ourselves into extinction. There's even talk from certain church's pulpits about how rounding up gays and lesbians and keeping them penned up would solve the gay problem because gay people can't procreate. In fact, I dedicated a whole article to it.

Of course, the Rev. Charles Worley who made those remarks didn't take into consideration that since gay people can't make babies, then it's certainly not gay people who are making gay babies. But that's beside the point.

Had he ever considered that God maybe made homosexuals on purpose? Perhaps because he wanted to see everyone have love, but perhaps keep the world's population at a reasonable size? OK, OK, I know, it's a stretch.

But how about nature? Nature is constantly evolving, and there's sort of this failsafe mechanism in place that keeps species from taking over, well, everything. In the past, human population has been kept under control by nature itself. The Black Plague in the Biblical times comes to mind. (I say Biblical times because, really, that's when the books were technically "translated.")

Or how about the small pox epidemic of the early 20th century? Or, hell, even HIV/AIDS? But medical advancement has outwitted nature in this manner. We're keeping ourselves alive for longer periods of time, and we're having babies at Nascar Race speeds. Why, we're even rewarding young boys and girls who spread their legs and basically hang signs around their necks that say "Open For Business!"

So this brings me to my evolutionary theory. I think nature (or God) has allowed us to evolve to allow for open homosexuality (at least among the educated and tolerant of us) because we fairy queens and butchy dykes are so capable of love, but we just happen to not procreate. This is like the best form of population control, actually.

And since there's no cure for stupid, there's always going to be idiotic teens or horny folks who "forget" to keep themselves protected and keep shooting out babies. And luckily, there will always be that gay couple that is fully capable and willing to adopt those children. (We just need to get stupid people on board to allow that to be a legal thing all across this great nation of ours.)

And there's also Brad and Angelina. They're pretty good at swiping up those kids, too.

So, recap time. Here's what I said that was blasphemous: God's not perfect. He's capable of learning. Evolution is real. Nature controls populations. Homosexuality is natural and even something that's needed. Some teenagers are sluts. HIV/AIDS is not spread exclusively by gay guys. Straight people are responsible for creating gay babies (there's literally no other way). You learn every day--even if you don't want to.

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2 comments:

  1. I recall movies often quoting there was a study done where certain segments of certain animal kingdoms, homosexual developments start at a more advanced paced among populations too large for their respective habitats/ecosystems. I couldn't name a movie where I've heard this, nor have I ever seen an actual study confirming/denying this phenomenon.

    But needless to say, the concept at the very least is out there.

    Do I buy it? I dunno. Doesn't really matter to me. Maybe God created gay people in order for more opportunities for people to learn tolerance for those different than us. Perhaps there is no God and it's simply nature's form of crowd control. Perhaps gay people are secretly created from alien abductions or mind control rays in our sleep.

    I just know that I don't even care any more about any of that. I just know I never want to look at another person, ever, and feel hatred of any kind for any reason.

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    1. Learning ultimate tolerance starts in drama class, it did for me. For six years, seventh through grade 12 I was a drama geek, even a thespian. I think drama should be required for at least one semester in high school and college to acquire any kind of degree, because drama students (most of them) don't judge sexual preferences, peoples genders, race, tastes in books, movies, music or cultural differences. To me, like most drama comrades I remember judge people by two things. One: No matter ones gender, sexual preference, race or cultural upbringing or believes some people are simply cool. Two: Some people are baleful assholes, no matter what gender, sexual preference...... Izzy Schurr

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