That Evil LDS Church! How DARE They Make More Money Than Me?! - By Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson owns, edits and contributes to
The Skewed Review.

THE SKEWED REVIEW | NEWS & POLITICS | RELIGION

Have you heard? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a multibillion dollar evil empire with a secret underground lair beneath a volcano, which houses a giant warhead filled with killer bees.

Or, at least that's the impression one would get from reading the Bloomberg Businessweek article "How Mormons Make Money" by Caroline Winter.

Now let's look past the blatantly disrespectful cover which depicts the Priesthood being bestowed upon Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery. Let me assure you that this is a link to another photo published by the National Post. You can see its photo and article, plus comments by people who know little-to-nothing about the LDS Church, by clicking here or by clicking on the photo.

OK. So let's break down this cover for just a moment. Now, I guess I'm willing to forgive the fact that it looks like a meth addict cut out pieces of a magazine, shoved them up his nose, and then sneezed all over an LDS painting--thus attaching the words randomly on with so much mucus and chemicals. Perhaps this "I'm a kidnapper on caffein who happened to trip while I was gluing this ransom note"look is on purpose. I just don't think it gets the point across. 

The point, at least how I read it, was that the Church is run by Dr. Evil and a  Quorum of 70 evil henchmen. So, the least the cover editor could have done was make the font a little more futuristic--and maybe giving Oliver Cowdery a ray gun could help, too. 

If you want the whole nasty dish, you can go read the article for yourself. I think it was meant to be a financial story on why the Mormon Church is so damn wealthy. But it came off as an attack piece, instead. 

What I'm going to share with you is my own little story of dealing with the entity that Bloomberg Businessweek has revealed to all of us as the monster it is: the kindness and charity of the LDS Church. 

So after my father died in 2008, my mom and I were pretty much left with a stack of medical bills, a funeral tab, and an increased land tax because, you know, the government's cool like that. My poor mom worked her ass off for up to 10 hours a day. This didn't include her drives to and from work, which were almost an hour each way. 

And I got to be sick. You know how it goes. The best time to be sick is the time you're financially unstable, right? So, there's that. 

And what did the Mormon church do? They stepped in and gave us food for months on end. They also made sure our house was stocked with everything else we needed, our lawn was mowed, our driveway plowed in the winter, and, even though my headstrong mother refused it, they even offered to help us out financially. 

We didn't go to them. They came to us. 

Oh, and guess what they didn't do? Demand anything in return. 

So, I'm sorry Bloomberg, but your five-page spread on the evil empire that is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints doesn't hold up with me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I most definitely do not agree with some of the teachings, specifically that my being in love is a sin. However, that doesn't make the good work and the smart investments the Church makes any less important. 

Just a thought, perhaps instead of attacking the Church for building a mall and creating hundreds of new jobs, maybe the country could take a page from the LDS financial book. Instead of bleating like a bunch of envious and poor little paupersheeps, they could do-as-they-see and become fabulous and wealthy princerams.

Perhaps we could all learn a thing or two from the wealth that comes in the form of those gold-plated diamonds wrapped in thousand dollar bills (also known as Mormons).

Thank you for your help in our time of need, LDS Church! And I congratulate you on your ability to be self-sustainable, even if that is a trait that seems to be frowned upon these days.

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