Early to Bed, Early to Rise -- by Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson is the owner, operator, editor,
contributor, and dictator of The Skewed Review.
Here he is seen at 7 p.m. -- up way past his
bedtime.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man awkward no matter how hard he tries.

Sentiments of such prose were probably quite different in the 18th century, but in 2012, Benjamin Franklin’s old adage doesn’t hold much clout. Well, at least among people my age (or among the age of people I tend to hang out with).

Benjamin Franklin’s review is another year of being mistaken by the simpler among us as a past United States president for coming up with the saying that is currently the bane of my existence.

It’s true I’m not your typically—aged college student. I have about nine years on most graduating seniors. But since I’m immersed in a collegiate atmosphere, I’m required to keep college time, as it were.

This is exceedingly frustrating considering my spouse works a 3 a.m. schedule each weekday, and I tend to get up the same time he does to do research for my daily morning radio news broadcast.

And yes, that means he and I both go to bed at around 6 p.m.

This is, as far as I can estimate, about the time most sophomores, juniors and seniors begin studying their hardest. It’s also about the same time freshmen start getting drunk.

Those old enough to drink who provide said drunken opportunities to underage freshmen get the review of five out of five Benjamin Franklins plucked from their pockets. That’s a low end of the penalty you’ll most likely incur for providing alcohol to minors.

As you can imagine, this geriatric schedule of mine has almost eliminated any amount of social normalcy I would have retained had I not been such an obtuse character to begin with. Since the majority of my buddies are fellow newspaper staffers, that means most attempts to hang outside of the classroom are pretty much moot; I’m in bed before the party even starts.

But the scheduling conflicts don’t stop there. My most productive hours are between 3 and 9 a.m., and that means when the rest of the world is awake, I’m already spent. This is especially trying when it comes to my editing duties. My access to newsroom tools is very limited since the college is locked tighter than a collapsed Peruvian mine during those wee early hours.

The communication department gets a glaring F on its transcript for denying me access to the building before 5 a.m., by the way. Once upon a time I had access via key, but now the whole building has been computerized à la HAL 5000 from “A Space Odyssey.” Now when I attempt to enter the building before scheduled hours, I swear I can hear the electronic card reader saying, “I’m sorry Matthew, but I can’t allow you to do that.”

There are many of us who have schedules similar to mine, if not worse, so I know it’s entirely within the realm of possibility to adhere to it. But my question is, do these people suffer socially the same way I do?

Does the woman I see many mornings at Wal-Mart take issue when her friends want to go out for a late movie? Does the guy at the 24-hour drive-thru at McDonald’s get sad when his family wants to meet for dinner at 7 p.m.? Do the 40 cops I see every morning at 3:30 have no other relationships than their families’ because they have to get up so early in order to treat me like a suspicious murderer?

And yes, St. George Police are about to get reviewed. You’d think my presence at such early hours would eventually be recognized. After all, I do drive a white truck with a giant decal on each side that reads, “The Skewed Review.” My review is for those bored cops to go find something real to follow suspiciously. There’s got to be a meth lab in this town somewhere. Go find that and leave me alone!

In addition to friendships and school problems, I find I’m becoming that weird old man who complains about noise when everyone’s awake.

We happen to live across the street from a group of folks who like to play their music loudly between the hours of 5 and 9 p.m. This is just fine for the regular world. But for my hubby and me, it’s torture. I’ve had to restrain myself on many occasions from calling the police to complain about the noise at 7 p.m.

That's not to say a cop wouldn't be at my aid in less than 30 seconds. I think there's a perpetual parade of police that just circle my block because, you know, I'm obviously on drugs since I get up so early.

So even though school’s rough, and you can’t party hard every night of the week, just be grateful yours is a schedule that mirrors the majority of society’s. Who knows? You may graduate this year and find yourself in a job similar to my partner’s and mine. If and when that happens, maybe we could be buddies.

I know there’s bunches of you out there who share my plight. Why not share it with the rest of the world, too? Get in on the conversation at Facebook.com/TheSkewedReview, and follow The Skewed Review on Twitter at, you guessed it, @TheSkewedReview.