Thursday, February 23, 2012

Suicide - By Matty Jacobson

I'm Matty Jacobson, and I don't want
anyone to feel the way I do today.

The purpose of “The Skewed Review,” as anyone who’s a fan of/been offended by this column knows, is to be silly and entertaining—but with purpose.

However, today I have to go to a dark place in order to tackle a subject nobody should make light of: suicide.

I read a Feb. 19 Salt Lake Tribune article by Julia Lyon titled, “Utah has one of the highest suicide rates in nation,” and my first thought was, “Duh.” But then I delved into the article itself, and what I read made my blood boil. You’ll have to check out the article yourself, but in it state authorities are quoted as saying a rise in Utah’s suicide rate was not "statistically significant.”

I don’t care if your suicide rate grows at the same rate of your population. Any person who takes his life should be considered statistically significant. One person is too many.

But the part I found most infuriating and simultaneously hilarious was one speculated reason as to why Utah has one of the highest suicide rates in the country. The article cited research that suggests Utah’s high elevation is a factor, and lower-elevation cities have more access to guns and less access to medical professionals.

The article also pointed out that more than half of those who committed suicide were diagnosed with a mental illness.

Well it’s a good thing I’m not climbing Mount Everest any time soon because I’m clinically depressed, and God knows the elevation there would drive me to suicide. I guess someone had better keep an eye on me, though, since I live in a lower-elevation area. Apparently my increased access to weapons and decreased access to psychological help makes me susceptible to suicide.

If that were the case, then I’d hate to see what the suicide rate is in Tibet, as well as in Death Valley. Pun intended.

In my heart I’d like to think Lyon included that in the article to make the point of how ridiculous it was, but there was no mention of the most obvious reason a person would commit suicide in Utah: the ridiculously high standards everyone is supposed to live up to here.

We’ve had articles on suicide before, and we’ve spoken to students and professionals on how to spot signs of a suicidal person. But today you get the story right from the horse’s mouth. Elevation? I say, “nay.”

I have personally tried to commit suicide four times. Rest assured, elevation had nothing to do with it.

I have the perfect family. My parents worked hard to provide me with a life of comfort, and my siblings are happily married and have children. Everything about my family screams success. Well, everything except me, of course.

I happen to have three bags full of wool here. Yes, that was a black sheep reference. My younger brother went on an LDS mission and married a lovely young woman. My younger sister was set to go on a mission, but then met a worthy young man fresh off his mission. So of course, they wed. And I, well, I am gay. Oh yeah, and I was a drug addict.

I was bullied in junior high and, contrary to popular belief, it didn’t make me stronger. It made me weaker. When the offer of drugs came along, I hopped on that wagon faster than you can say, “What does this pill do?”

My family never shunned me, thank God. The perfection I spoke of earlier was exercised every day with acceptance from my parents and siblings. But, even though there was no animosity on their part, I couldn’t help but feel my life was pretty much a waste in comparison.

Every time I tried to kill myself, my reasoning was that a life that doesn’t mirror the success of those around you isn’t a life worth living.

So my question is, where’s the study on people who commit suicide because their culture drives them to it? And are the people in the culture remorseful because of it?

Today, I’m a little better adjusted. Yes, I’m on some serious antidepressants, and of course I think about suicide every other day. But I can’t help but wonder how many other people feel exactly the same way I do—that nobody is telling them to commit suicide, but they feel it’s the inevitable option—and actually take that final step.

Here’s a suggestion to everyone: If you find you don’t agree with someone’s beliefs or lifestyle, why don’t you take some time and reinforce yours by being the best person you can be? I’d go as far as to say it’s your duty to go out of your way to make others feel that, just because they’re different, they’re still precious.

And for those of you who are like me and wake up every morning and have to talk yourself out of just ending it, I have a review: You get the rest of your life living the way God made you. You get to remind yourself that, despite the culture around you, you are not just some cookie cutter version of a person. If God meant for all of us to live the exact same way, then he would have made us all the exact same height, color and shape. He would have made it so all of us were born with the exact same privileges. He would have created every person to think exactly the same and to have the exact same talents. He would have created us like insects; there would be no sexual attraction or love. There would only be reproduction and work. There would be no art. There would be no music. There would be no joy.

So don’t let the culture dictate whether or not you live. Don’t let a society murder you.

My door is always open for anyone who wants to talk. Drop me a line, OK? Matty@theskewedreview.com


5 comments:

  1. Just thought I'd say I enjoyed this read and agree with you on every point.

    Something else I'd like to throw in there as food for thought: Japan has the highest suicide rate in the world. I don't know what their elevation is compared to the rest of the planet but considering it's an island country and therefore the majority of people live in coastal cities, I am going to bet it's not like Utah's. It also has some of the strictest gun laws in the world.

    It's a shame-based society. You do what the family wants you to do. If you don't, you're a failure. AKA: High pressure to be a success, same as Utah.

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  2. You, my friend, are amazing. Thankyou for sharing-especially in St. George, Utah. I, as well as thousands of others encourage you to further get this published in more media outlets. You have a gift, and a purpose just in your writing alone. God Bless

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  3. I took your last paragraph as a quote. Of course I'm not taking the credit. Hope you don't mind. Thanks

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