The Longest Campaign Speech Ever. - By Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson is the future president
of the Unites States of A-married-man.
He's also owner and editor of The
Skewed Review and an all-around
lovable guy. Check him out at
theDixie Sun, too!

Those of you who tuned in to watch Barack Obama's State of the Union last night are probably cursing the hours of your life you'll never get back.

Those hours could have been spent on things way more productive like playing Skyrim or watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills/Atlanta/Orange County/New York/New Jersey/Pocatello. What we got instead was a campaign speech that ran approximately the time it takes to see a full-length feature film.

Let's see. Our Commandeer-in-Chief made a bunch of promises like taxing the rich and giving more to the poor. Well, that's all fine and dandy Mr. Barack'n'roll, but I can't take those promises seriously unless you're wearing green tights and sporting a bow and quiver set. And that group of senior citizens called the House of Representatives and the Senate are hardly a band of merry men. (In fact, a good majority of them would rather die than let men marry men.)

This year's State of the Union was not meant to inform the citizens of these United States of Amer-i-can't-do-any-damn-thing-without-being-micromanaged-by-a-president-who-can't-even-follow-through-on-his-own-threats. It was a campaign speech, pure and simple.

I don't think Oba-me!-look-at-me! wanted to be president so he could actually improve this nation. I think he became president because he likes the attention. He's the only president who constantly makes his State of the Union speeches all about him and not about, well, the state of the union.

The worst part is when it comes to election time I'm probably going to have to vote for him anyway. We're coming upon a "lesser of two evils" election year. The only thing that qualifies all the presidential hopefuls for the position is their desire to be the center of attention.

And if being an attention whore is what makes a president, then dammit, I should be president.