Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Sad State of Google: Top 20 Search Fails - by Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson contributes to and edits
The Skewed Review.

One of the more popular trends on TV and the Internet is to make a point by telling readers and viewers to type certain key words into Google to see what pops up.

You'll see this tactic used on sites like and shows like Tosh.0. Usually the writer or host will be attempting to illustrate how stupid/racist/bigoted people on the Internet are.

So today, at the suggestion of an Internet article, I started to type in "Is Obama" to see if, indeed, the search would yield "the antichrist?" Well, I didn't get past the word "is." This led me to a morning-long search of Google using simple verbs and helping verbs to lead the way. What I found was a disastrous state of affairs. I can only pray that the reason these Google searches are what they are is because all the smart people don't need to use search engines to find answers.

I just screwed around in the Google search box using benign verbs and phrases just to see what would pop up. Here's a few Golden Tickets to a day at the Feeble-minded Factory.

Yes, "are mermaids real" is the third most searched item behind Mormon's Christianity and being served. I'm also not sure what would make someone "mom enough."

I guess I'm glad that everyone isn't worried about zombies. At least there are tourists out there looking for zoos in Vegas.

This tells me two things: a lot of people don't know if unicorns were ever real, and a lot of people have tech support issues and/or are plagued by Netflix. 

So, is it, indeed, down?

I don't know. I just got a kick out of the first one.

I guess I should be glad there are a ton of folks out there who can clear up any doubts they had about Hitler's ethnicity/religion.

The whole world wants to know where Chuck Norris is. 

Seriously? Who's searching for how to get pregnant? Duh. The stork drops dew into the cabbage patch and then the babies come out of the mommies tummy tums.

I've got news for everyone: Obama is a good, gay, socialist, left-handed president. 

OK, so I was intentionally seeing how racist people are on Google. But I was surprised to find out so many people knew our secret. We're alien minorities.

The people searching are at least smart enough to navigate a computer, right? 

I guess if one were to question if Asian people were aliens, then of course one would have to question if Asian people were also white because, well, duh, just Google "are white people aliens?". Also, for anyone Googling "are Asian people pretty?", I wonder if you also Google things like, "what's my favorite food?" and "do I like poetry?"

It's fun to type in one random letter after a phrase like "can a". Dog lovers everywhere are concerned about puppy aneurysms, canine allergies, and pet sexual orientation. But the real question is, can a drummer get some? Can he? 

Three of these questions seem rhetorical. Is the sky blue? Does a bear crap in the woods? My hope is that Google responds to those questions with a simple, "yes." Now, as far as my abeyance plea goes, that's a different story altogether.

All food questions. How interesting.

I was expecting something like "Has God forsaken us?" Or "Has good come from war?" But no. At least the world is knowledgable when it comes to which shows are being renewed. (P.S., I think GCB is not coming back.)

"So, I woke up today feeling really Jewish. I'd better check to see if it's true."

Seriously? The third most searched question is "are birds mammals?" And who the hell are Ben and Courtney?

How DO you love a black woman? My gut tells me it's the same as loving anyone else, but I'd better check Google first, just to make sure.

Hands-down this is my favorite. This just speaks for itself.

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