An Open Letter To Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer - By Matty Jacobson

Don't worry, Governor Brewer! Matty
Jacobson isn't this brown in real life.
Matty owns, edits and contributes to
The Skewed Review.

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Dear Governor Jan Brewer,

I would just like to commend you on what I believe is the first step of making these United States even greater.

In addition to your crackdown of those races who aren't exactly white, but aren't really black, either, I noticed you asked the Supreme Court to overturn a ruling that allows for state employees with same-sex partners to keep their health benefits. You have clearly demonstrated your cunning ability to save the state money in this regard. I noticed that's the reason you cited when asked why you singled out gay and lesbian families.

Of course I won't question that you'd do the exact same thing if all the state employees were heterosexual. I just have this gut feeling that you are a woman of merit. If there were no same-sex couples, I'm sure you'd petition to have everyone's benefits removed.

But more importantly, you're helping our nation progress.

Although we have red and blue states across this great country of ours, there has always been this demand that we should all be afforded the same rights. This means that no matter which state you travel to, you should be expected to be treated the same way. But I think that's all changing, and it's because of you, Madam Governor.

You are a true pioneer. I think your quest for a segregated United States is visionary. I actually don't know why we haven't thought of this before. Or have we? Well, if we have, it was obviously a good idea then, too.

I'm behind you 100 percent, Madame Governor. I say we start the legal process immediately so that every white bigot in the nation who hates variety and embraces total sameness can move to Arizona and live there happily. Finally we can have a specific place in America where all like-minded individuals who see the loving and beautiful creatures that walk this earth as the scum they really are can congregate and live out their lives in happiness.

You are on the forefront of this trek Mrs. Brewer. Let it be written in the history books that the vitriol from those in the United States who simply know better than everyone else can be heard and agreed upon in the same place for the rest of time. I say we speed up the process and make sure there's land and homes in Arizona for every white supremacist homophobe in the nation.

And I will be knocking on doors and handing out pamphlets to ensure that every man, woman and child of any ethnicity other than caucasian and who support any form of family other than one man and one woman will be shipped out of the state and into the homes previously occupied by those who are obviously made better for some reason.

We do not need a nation where each state is expected to treat its civilians the same. I say we make Arizona the destination state for all Americans who are obviously superior to everyone else because of skin color and personal interpretations of medieval books that are touted as stories written more than 1,200 years before the books were ever compiled. This will put an end to all that nonsense that everyone should be treated equally!

And the rest of the nation can bear the burden of the homosexuals and the Latinos and Latinas and the atheists and non-Christians. I think the remaining 49 states just may have enough room to accommodate. Seeing as how Arizona has so much open land for the bigots to run free in the wind, I'm sure Arizona has more than enough room to accommodate them, as well.

Thank you Jan Brewer. Your legacy will live forever in the annals of American history. Now let's get segregated.

Sincerely,
Matthew Jacobson