MattMan Finishes an Ultramarathon, So There! - By Matty Jacobson

Matty Jacobson owns, operates,

contributes and edits 

TheSkewedReview.com. Yes, that's

his medal he's holding for finishing

an ultramarathon! Would

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SPORTS & RECREATION - It's taken me four days to recover, but now that I'm feeling good enough to walk, I'm feeling good enough to write.

The Mattman

I've become an amateur runner as of late. I've always enjoyed scenic jogging with my dogs and my significant other. But a few months ago I ran a half marathon in less than two hours. Oh, and I did it while wearing a Batman cape.

And that put me on the road to becoming a runner.

Quitters Never Prosper

I signed up for the Red Mountain Running "Dirty Hurty" half trail marathon a few weeks later. Unfortunately, I caught what was going around. And no, it wasn't running fever. Coughs, fever and chills do not make a successful running recipe.

I started off strong, but it was clear I was not going to finish that race. I think my left lung is still out on that trail somewhere. What really sucked about having to stop that race within the first 20 minutes was that I was wearing the Batman cape again.

Had I not been an attention whore, then perhaps no one would have noticed my turning around and heading back to the starting line. But my flowing Caped Crusader garb made me about as inconspicuous as a sombrero-clad donkey in a poodle parade. Needless to say, it was pretty embarrassing as I walked slowly in the opposite direction of every other runner.

I wanted to explain to each contestant I made eye contact with that I, the self-proclaimed "Mattman," was not quitting because I was weak; I was quitting because I was sick!

So when the next running opportunity came up, I couldn't turn it down--especially since it was an ultramarathon.

MattMan Makes Up For Lost Miles

Yes, I had the option of running 30K rather than 50K, but I felt as though I had some reputation to make up for. I was, after all, the boy in the cape who couldn't complete a simple 13.1-mile trail run. So I signed up for the 30 mile run (which included 13 miles of unpaved trails in high elevations).

"You're crazy," my brother said when I told him I'd signed up for the 50K.

Well, I actually was crazy.

Ignorance Is Bliss--Up Until The Point Of No Return

I guess it never occurred to me that the longest distance I'd ever run in one fell swoop was about 15 miles. And I'd failed to remember how much pain I was in afterward. And it never dawned on me that when I run rocky trails in Pine Valley, I'm usually out for the count after just a few miles.

Race day came, and I actually got to the starting line late. But despite my tardiness, I managed to catch up to the runners and actually pass a few. In fact, for the first 15 miles of the race, I was getting ahead. And I'd like to think my "MattMan" cape created a small amount of drag. So, in my mind at least, I'm that much more of a gladiator-champion-Spartan-crimefighter. My pace was nice and even up until mile 20.

That's when I realized I would not survive a zombie apocalypse if I had to run any farther than 20 miles.

But this was no zombie apocalypse. This was an ultramarathon. And although the thought had crossed my mind on several occasions to call my hubby and just go home, something within me kept saying, "You'll finish this race, dammit, even if you have to walk the last ten miles!"

A Fight With Myself

But there was also a time limit. So my inner monologue started having a serious fight with itself. It went something like this:

MattyPuss: We should just call Russ and go home. There's no way we can do this. 

MattyChamp: You know what? We're gonna finish this! We have to prove to everyone that we can finish this race and make up for the one we quit last time!

MattyPuss: But we've already run 20 miles. That's good enough, isn't it? Besides, 13 of those miles were, like, vertical unpaved trails! That's gotta count for something, right?

MattyChamp: Let's just do this thing. We don't have to finish in the time given. It doesn't matter if we don't get a medal. The goal should be to finish. We can just walk the rest of the way.

MattyPuss: OK. I think we might be able to walk the rest of the way.

UltimateMattManWinOrDieGladiatorCrimeFighter: What the F---K are we talking about you pussy bastards?! You mean we've come all this way and we're not even going to go for a medal?! What are we? Asspussies?!? Hell no!! We're gonna get across that finish line before the time's up and get a GODDAM MEDAL!!!

MattyPuss: But our legs!

MattyChamp: Yeah, our legs do hurt pretty ba--

UltimateMattManWinOrDieGladiatorCrimeFighter: F---K OUR LEGS!!! GO!!!


Success Is Such Sweet Sauce

And so, I went. I ran. Well, I limped. I limp-jogged that extra ten miles in 90-degree southern Utah desert heat. Luckily there was moral support in the form of my hubby, who brought me bottled water; the very kind and accommodating race volunteers, who provided me with Gatorade, salt pills and pain killers along the way; and my younger brother, who completed his 30K much earlier and came to meet me about half a mile away from the finish line.

He walked me the rest of the way and I finished the race. And guess what? I came in fifth! Well, fifth from last, that is. But I did it with an hour to spare, and I got my medal.

So is this the beginning of my racing career?

Yes. Yes it is.  I'm already signed up for the St. George Marathon, which should be a breeze in comparison to the Red Mountain Ultramarthon. And in between now and then, I'll be looking for local half marathons to run. So send me suggestions!